- the end.
-
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partingshots- October 8th, 3:22
I miss the days when I was happy.
- Just let me sing you to sleep.
-
- partingshots
- September 16th, 22:05
I wish I were inspirational, or pretty, or thin, or fucking something. Instead, I can't even make my own boyfriend want to spend time with me unless it's at the bar.
You broke my heart. You promised me the moon and stars, I fell for your dreams, I fell for your lies, there was no other way. You know I tried. And I knew you could never love me. I had so much sorrow inside, you could never reach. But can I still keep a place in your heart?
I have been realizing this for months. What's wrong with me? Why can't I just let go?
- This song is breaking my heart right now.
-
- partingshots
- June 8th, 22:23
crushed
I used to know you like the back of my hand, until today you held your place
Now you're shifting like the sand
Your chest would heave with pride if I were spoken of
Till tonight I never knew the difference between comfort and love
Although you're sleeping right next to me
Well it feels like you are wide awake in a distant dream
Leading a life that is finally free of these endless nights and countless fights that
Turn us into who we hate to be
And this is so difficult for the both of us,
I know we tried so hard there's just no hope for us
Well it's more than a shame that we lost to this game
All my
Walking
Talking
Sleeping
Breathing,
Nothing will ever be the same.
I used to hold like it's all that I had,
Now begins the falling of, we are like a passing fad
Your mouth would crack a smile if I were spoken of,
Till tonight you never thought you'd lose this epic battle with love.
For what it's worth, I always admired you
I always thought that we could make it through
Now look what time can do
They took our masterpiece we built and broke it in two
I always believed in you
I always loved.....
This is so difficult for the both of us
I know we tried so hard, there's just no hope for us
Well it's more than a shame that we lost to this game
All my walking, talking, sleeping, breathing
Nothing will ever be the same.
-Bound To Happen, The Spill Canvas
- The Spill Canvas is the soundtrack to broken hearts.
-
- partingshots
- June 7th, 23:18
- numb
Day one of exercise/weight loss/healthy eating tomorrow. Maybe if I focus on myself I'll feel better faster.I don't know what to think and I don't know what to say. When I used to think of you with another girl- kissing her, dancing with her, looking at her the way you look at me- it was so painful it crushed me [baby I'm all ears]. And now I just feel numb, but is it because everything is cocaine-novocaine (is there any reason why they both end in -caine? Probably)-so drunk you can't breathe-scalding hot shower numb? Is it because I really don't love you anymore? It doesn't seem possible. My normal is loving you.
But maybe it's just one of those things. How does it end that way? "Then one day, after years of being breathlessly in love, she just didn't love him anymore, and it ended."
It doesn't seem right.
"And lastly there's Dade, his hair dances in the wind and he's wondering what love is and why it has to end. And he can't understand how everyone goes on breathing when true love ends. His mother whispers quietly, 'heaven's not a place that you go when you die, it's that moment in life when you actually feel alive, so live for the moment and take this advice, live by every word, love is just a hoax so forget everything that you have ever heard."
Why am I crying so hard now? I wish I knew.
"How does it feel to know you're everything I need, the butterflies in my stomach they could bring me to my knees. How does it feel to know you're everything I want?" I would die to inspire that kind of love.
The thing is, I don't think that I can be the girl you need. I don't think that I'm going to make you happy in the end. But I do love you, even though it isn't the way you want me to love you. And for that I promise that I will stay until you don't want me.
"I'm racking my brain trying to comprehend how for some unknown reason our status will remain as friends. I'm destroying my mind, trying to understand how with little to no effort you've got me eating out of the palms of your hands. There was not a single spark when my lips landed on yours in the dark, but regardless of what happens next you're my beloved, you just don't know it yet. Tonight I make a secret oath. We're murdering our lives trying to make it work. You and I both know that we are a lost cause, we're nothing more than specks on this earth. There was not a single spark when my lips landed on yours in the dark. But regardless of what happens next you're my beloved, you just don't know it yet."
I don't know how to make tribute to what is surely to be lost.
- And Mexico can fucking wait.
-
- partingshots
- June 5th, 9:36
restless
But it can't really, because I'm never going to be this young and stupid ever again. I'm never going to see the merit of taking two weeks off of work and playing because never again will I hold this moment this close to me.
It's one of those drive-off-the-highway nights. The clock blinks 3:26 and you'd think that I'd be in bed since I'm alone.
These are times that can't be weathered and we have never been back there since.Ah well. It's easier to pretend.
- yeah right.
-
- partingshots
- May 12th, 21:24
I'm tired. I'm tired of my mom drinking. I'm tired of my mom calling me when she's drinking. I'm tired of this fucking stupid BULLSHIT divorce that will NEVER FUCKING END no matter how much any of us wants it to. I'm tired of feeling like shit about myself. I'm tired of feeling nothing about anything. I'm tired of being afraid of what's coming next. I'm tired of begging for attention. I'm tired of trying to grow up. I'm tired of trying to figure out how to make myself happy. I'm tired of being the bad kid.
I'm tired of being so afraid of turning out like my mom. I'm tired of being compared to her and my dad. I'm tired of never going anywhere ever.
This is so stupid. I hate it.
- Breaking the surface.
-
- partingshots
- May 7th, 23:15
Sometimes there are nights when I wake up crying and shaking and I can't remember why, or when I call you even though I know you are miles away and won't answer. And sometimes it doesn't matter if you don't answer because the voicemail is about as much comfort as you could be.
Maybe there's something wrong with me; maybe I'm malfunctioning, but somehow this hollow sort of existance isn't fitting right.
It's almost as though I held everything together for four years while my life fell apart around me, because allowing myself to feel -this whatever it is- is surely going to kill me.
It hurts all over, all the time, and it feels worse with every passing hour. And then you tell me that it's about to get even worse, that I have the million dollar, your-life-is-about-to-change-forever appointment to look forward to, you tell me that you love me, that I mean more to you than anything, that you wouldn't know what to do without me- kiss my forehead and tenderly tell me that despite all this, you won't be there for me when I need you to be, that you can't be who I need you to be.
Then the nightmares start and slowly get worse until I purposely stay awake as late as possible to keep myself safe from my own mind, or take a Gravol in hopes of a dreamless sleep. It only serves to cultivate the ghoulish black circles under my eyes.
Eventually I think that if I keep feeling this way I might just fade away into nothingness. And then I think that it would be sad to be alone, but then I realize that I would like it better than this.
- Because yes we know that it's time to go- but we won't stop now we can't stop now.
-
- partingshots
- April 1st, 19:04
I'm not happy. I'm doing things that I'm not proud of, and I'm not talking about a little foray into mindlessness or stupidity or drinking- sometimes it makes me feel sane which is helping with the feelings of insanity and I realize that is a paradoxical statement but it's true.
So I'm going. I've been talking about it for YEARS. So why the hell not? I'm leaving in September.
I'll be back, I'm sure. Eventually, anyways, I will be. Three months is a long time but, sometimes you have to come back. Right?
- And I can't tell you where I was last night, I've got scratches on my back that I can't hide.
-
- partingshots
- February 28th, 13:13
"Since you're so independent, let's see how well you do on your own- we'll see how long you last when I'm not coming home."
Holy fuck.
- I hate you.
-
- partingshots
- January 25th, 16:35
Congratulations. You make me hate myself, which means that I hate you.
Nobody else except one person in my whole entire world has ever made me feel this useless and unloveable, and she's the other person who's supposed to love me unconditionally. I'm gone, I hate it here. I stay here for you. This city suffocates me, you suffocate me, my old life is choking what new life I have out of me. YOU'RE KILLING ME in the least literal sense possible, I'm trying so hard to become the person you apparently "need" me to be, but I can't. I can't be a perfect trophy Stepford girlfriend like you so badly need, I only have so much in me, and you aren't a good boyfriend.
How can I be perfect when you aren't even fucking close?
And don't get me wrong. For some sicksicksick twisted reason I love you, everything about you, and I have spent the better part of a year and a half trying to convince you to just stay with me.
You're a liar.
I can't do this anymore. I don't even know who I am- I'm some pale reflection of the old Kate. I've lost all my old friends, lost most of the people who used to love me, and the bar and alcohol aren't substitutes for friends who would die for you. And you're not making my new lonely life worth it.
- This is because I can spell Konfusion with a K and I can like it.
-
- partingshots
- December 5th, 2008
Sometimes it feels like I'm giving too much up; becoming the small town girl with small town ideals.
I don't really have a right to complain. There are thousands, maybe millions of girls out there who would kill to spend a lazy Sunday lounging in bed, having lazy sex and watching reruns of stupid TV shows that they've seen a thousand times but they're still funny. And I love them, but sometimes...
I want to go to England. I want to discover who I REALLY am, I want to start fresh and become REAL Kate, not fictional, renovated a zillion times, squashed into a mold that's just not quite right Kate. Maybe I'm selfish for wanting more, when I have what so many people write about, read about, dream about... It follows us in our most mundane of moments, and swells almost tangibly in our subconscious thoughts when we least expect it, at times almost debilitating with the strength of the desire it carries.
But is there more? I would love nothing better than to leave for a year, escape the remnants of who everyone thinks I am or wants me to be. Become someone. Maybe even make a difference, maybe even make my dad proud to be my dad again. Maybe become strong enough to shed the shackles of self-doubt and self-flagellation my mom seems to have on me in a binding chokehold.
And I'm ALMOST strong enough to do it... except. Except, what about the things that I can't bear to leave even for a couple of days, let alone a full year? What happens if I fall in love with someone else? There's nothing concrete in our love for each other except for the breakable bonds of words and promises.
It's altogether too easy to lie to someone you love.
- twenty four complicated wishes.
-
- partingshots
- September 29th, 2008
content
I only hate myself when I'm around you, because I'll always be there (maybe too much. May be that I'm too solid). It's nights like these I wish that I'd never heard your band play and that you had never jumped offstage. It's nights like these I love you too much to get up and go. Wasting time staring into wasted eyes (it wasn't supposed to be like this) trying to find some senseless, meaningful prose tucked someplace. Someplace that needs coaxing gently out. We never danced (but we never meant anything to eachother either) and pretending that you slept with someone else... (The doctor said I'd be okay, once I got out of bed). Slipping into a dimension where you love me again. Who's the one needing air this time? Who's the one in charge this time? And nobody's there to put a stop to all these bad decisions. Nobody puts a stop to this dangerous obsession. Did I ever tell you that I could see the music? In my head, like how I can see your lies through your words? But you never told me. Even when I asked. When was the last time your voice cut into my thoughts? You're trying to replace yourself. Who's the one gasping for breath tonight? Who's the one getting up and leaving tonight? And nobody's there to stop you from driving another nail in that coffin. Nobody thinks what's happening is dangerous. Who's the one faking smiles this time? Who's the one crying real tears in front of you for the last time?
- "Will you be my chocolate chip?"
-
- partingshots
- September 5th, 2008
Katie, don't cry
I know you're trying your hardest
And the hardest part is letting go
Of the nights we share
Ocala is calling
And you know it's haunting
But compared to your eyes nothing shines quite as bright
And when we look to the sky, it's not mine, but I want it.
So let's not pretend like you're alone tonight
I know he's there
And you're probably hanging out and making eyes
While across the room he stares
I'll bet he gets the nerve to walk the floor
And ask my girl to dance
She'll say yes
Because these words were never easier
For me to say or her to second guess
But I guess that I can live without you
But without you I'll be miserable at best
You're all that I hoped I'd find in every single way
And everything I could give is everything you couldn't take
Cause nothing feels like home, you're a thousand miles away
And the hardest part of living is just taking breaths to stay
Cause I know I'm good for something, I just haven't found it yet
But I need it.
And this will be the first time in a week
That I'll talk to you and I can't speak
It's been three whole days since I've had sleep
Cause I dream of his lips on your cheek
And I got the point that I should leave you alone
But we both know that I'm not that strong
And I miss the lips that made me fly
I love you.
I know I messed up. And I know what I want.
You.
Who else has the smile that lights up your whole face when you smile for real? Who else can freeze me with a single stare, who else has the greenest eyes like the Jasper lakes when we first started this whole fucked up mess? Who else has the ability to send shivers up my spine? Who else loves me just the same as when I'm wearing stilettos and lipstick, or sweatpants and wet hair? Who else will sit and watch stupid Buffy episodes with me even though I know you hate them? I love how you sat forever with me and played with kittens and ate pizza, and who else would spend forty dollars to win me a stupid stuffed animal that you could get at Toys R Us for ten? Nobody smells like you do, it's between old cologne mingled with the new, dusty warehouses, fabric softener and often rum.
I love your laugh because it reminds me of being safe. I love the way you tell me about the stupidest stories and how I love them because they're coming from you. I love the day I fell in love with you, when your mom told me the cookies story at Thanksgiving, and I LOVE the moments when we're arguing and you look at me and say "Will you be my chocolate chip?" because even though I know you think it's corny, you're saying it to make me smile, and it works.
I love the day you woke up early because I know you hate that, and you brought me flowers. I love how you're proud of me usually and think that I'm pretty no matter what.
I love that my brother and sister love you. I love that you play video games with them, and that you cuddle with my cats and play with my dog. I love how you run away and your eyes light up when certain songs come on.
I love how your hand fits absolutely perfectly with mine. I love how we can laugh at the most embarrassing and awkward things and how we play World of Warcraft together, and how we gossip like little old ladies together.
I am desperately in love with you and I am desperately sorry for everything.
Please be my beautiful green eyed boy again. I promise I will never ever make you sad again.
- And honestly?
-
- partingshots
- August 31st, 2008
I don't know where to start. I don't know where to end. If my fingers could somehow pick out the right sequence of keys on the board to convince you that you still loved me... I swear to god I'd spend the rest of my life doing it.
I can't just let it end this way. It's all my fault, it's all my fucking fault but where the hell were you when my heart broke? Drinking in the bar, not even able to follow me when I needed to get away.
And yeah, I know. I KNOW I fucked up. I know I should never have started diving into delicious white lines conceived of brand new levels of inebriation, but sometimes when everyone who claims that they love you can't be bothered... It's easier to escape into bloody noses and numb minds. That's all there is to it. It's impossible to explain. It's impossible to understand.
But you know what I can't understand? How you could hear me crying over the phone, and you walked away. How can you say, two weeks ago, that you loved me more than anything and that you wouldn't know what to do without me? How can you say that I'm different, that you thought I was different? How, now, you can look at me and say that you don't?
I'm not different. I'm just me. I'm just Kate and I can't give you anything else but YOU HAVE THE BEST OF ME. The worst isn't over; it's just beginning. Who are you fighting for, yourself or me? Or just popularity? Because here it is. If you pick me, you aren't just picking me. You're picking me over the bar.
I will just fade away if you need me to. I can go back to fucking whoever comes close and swallowing pretty pills and I'll do it until the day I die but you made my life better even though you break my heart constantly. I just need to hear from you. I need to hear from someone that something out there matters.
I WAS OKAY EARLIER. WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED? I wanted this. I wanted this. I WANTED THIS.
IWANTEDTHISIWANTEDTHISIWANTEDTHISIWANTEDTHIS.
I want to get so fucked up that I stop breathing, I want to bleed so much it scares the paramedics, I want to get so drunk that I sleep through tomorrow, I want someone to use me use me use me use me. I'm nothing else, I'm a fucking showpiece at the bar and EVERYONE wants me when I'm pretty and happy and buying everyone drinks but NOBODY wants anything to do with me when I'm broken and crying and have nothing left. Funny how you find out who your real friends are when your father breaks your heart.
You never fucking read this but if you do now, now you know. And you wondered. But you never asked and you probably don't care now.
So you know what, I hope you had a great time drinking, and an even better time badmouthing me to all our friends. I hope you find what you're looking for in the bottom of a rum and coke because I promise you that I'm finding more playing shot for shot with this mickey of Everclear.
I love you, you know. That's why I am still fighting.
- And you said, "I know that this will hurt...
-
- partingshots
- August 22nd, 2008
"....but if I don't break your heart, the pain will just get worse."
I can't breathe.
I'm sorry, Dad.
- One liners written with you in mind.
-
- partingshots
- August 20th, 2008
- heartache...ing?
So offer me a remedy
For this addiction tainted by the colors
That surround you when you smile
As generations
Of golden girls
Lose themselves in you
Choke down another amber colored lie
The harder it gets the less you realize
They taste bitter because you're lying
To yourself more than you are to me
Who taught you how to make everything hurt?
Because with you;
It's not about who you're going home with at night
It's just so that you don't go home alone.
And I'm just as afraid to be alone with myself.
- You're who I came here for.
-
- partingshots
- July 29th, 2008
Five days since my last tattoo. The scars have disappeared and it doesn't hurt anymore. Three years ago I would scribble "SOMETHING TANGIBLE" across my forearm in bright purple ink, and now half of it marches across my wrist in some weird tribute to things I lost, to things that will come, and in a halfhearted effort to save me from rending it bloody and torn.
Three weeks till the next ones. I'm not scared anymore.
LET'S SET THIS NIGHT ON FIRE WITH SOMETHING TO REMEMBER AND IN THESE TATTERED SHEETS I SWEAR TO GOD I WON'T FORGET YOU.
In 17 days it will be one year since I swore my heart to you. (Don't be alarmed when I fall apart, cause you know it's just one of my clever ploys to get you in my car).
CAUSE I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING, I SWEAR IT'S TRUE, IF YOU JUMP NOW, THEN I'M JUMPING AFTER YOU. (So take me to the water and drag me to the bottom).
I had a dream about you last night and you told me that you were just done trying. And I know it was a dream but somehow it felt real so I guess I'm the only one left of our duo.
- What's another word for desperate?
-
- partingshots
- July 3rd, 2008
It's funny how easy it is to lie when it's over a computer screen.
It's funny how I really have no identity any more besides him and work. What do I love outside of him? Who do I spend time with besides his friends and my family?
It's funny how the second something happens that is just for me, for once, instead of him, he needs to be a part of it, and makes it his own. It's funny how much that hurts.
I'm running out of forced smiles, it's getting harder to hide tears, and I'm beginning to think that I'm doomed.
- May 28th 2008
-
- partingshots
- June 10th, 2008
It's the day I lost you forever.
- Wishes.
-
- partingshots
- June 2nd, 2008
Ever wished for something so hard you thought your heart would burst?
Not in a high school, I-wish-he-would-notice-me way, or wanting-the-job kind of way, but in the way that you know you'll never live through it if you don't get it?
I wished today for vodka and crystal lite in a plastic water bottle mixed with lime juice and club soda; oversized sunglasses and a swimming pool; tanning in the sunshine. I wished to know the answers and I wished that my dad would call me.
But it's not the same as wishing for laughing till tears come or crying till laughter takes over. Or just being perfectly content in that one silent moment where nothing else in the whole goddamn world matters but who's in it with you and not even as a whole- more like who's beside you.
"That's the thing about girls. Everytime they do something pretty, even if they're not much to look at, or even if they're sort of stupid, you fall half in love with them, and then you never know where the hell you are. Girls. Jesus Christ. They can drive you crazy. They really can."
-Catcher in the Rye
I loved that book so much. I lost my copy somewhere between divorces, infernos, screaming fights, losing and finding myself over and over again. But I really should pick it up again.
And I think about how I used to doubt myself and doubt everything that I KNOW, KNOW to be true... And it makes me want to kick myself in the ass and say "Wake the fuck up. Sometimes things get hard. Then all you have to do, is decide whether to give up, or try just a little harder."
And I will always pick the latter.
I just realized how much it costs him to keep it all inside.