Crashing Time Can't Hide A Guilty Girl.

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The loneliest thing isn't being alone. It's laying next to someone who tells lies so they don't have to kiss you, drinking yourself half to death just for some peace, highschool bullshit we all thought we were done with but boys? Oh those boys (can't call him a man, that title is earned) they make the best girls turn into backstabbers liars haters storytellers killer queens and fucking liars. I'm not broken anymore, bitches. So just you fucking wait.

You'll be sorry you fucked with my head and you will never be forgiven for wrecking my bruised heart.

Your asses are mine.

Who do I have to hurt to make you want this world again?
I have so many questions, so many things I want to scream at you, shake you, didn't you know I was here?! I would have stayed up all night while you cried, while you told me why the world wasn't someplace you wanted to be, I would have sacrificed everything I had, every single night, every day, every hour, every minute. Every breath.

That text. That one text. And I didn't know what it meant. I didn't fix you, I didn't rescue you WHY DIDN'T I SAVE YOU. You are so beautiful. You are so smart. Why don't you see? I am absolutely begging you on bloody knees to see. What is inside you that hurts so badly that you have to hurt yourself, hate yourself?

I love you more than anything in this whole world.

You are my whole wide world. Please hang on. I am a selfish weak human but you are rainbow and you are crystal and you are all that is good in this world and I need you. You are the light of my life, the person I brag about, the reason I am proud to carry the name I carry.

I'm listening to her talk about the note. The rum. The blood. There was so much blood. There are hushed whispers of things they don't want me to know. I can't know.

Please know I love you. Please know I can't live without you. Please know I will never ever leave your side. Please know I don't know what I feel right now. Please just stay with me. I am begging you.

You are my angel. My hero. I revered you before this. Now, you are a survivor as well. That's all. Survive with me my angel.

And some boy in a dream,
So, last night I dreamed I was sitting somewhere watching a movie or  with friends. There was a boy beside me and he held my hand and made me feel loved and beautiful. I never saw his face. But he held my hand during a movie in a dream and made me feel more loved than you ever did. And all he was was a dream.
the day you find this journal is the day you will kill me.
Et tu, Brute?

Anything you say can and will be used against you, so only say my name.
It will be used against you.

Addicts and rehab. I'm addicted to you and the way you bring me down. You spent yesterday ripping my sunglasses off my face and telling me that I was disgusting. That nobody should love me, that I don't deserve any respect from anyone and that I treat the world like shit.
Then you told me you loved me.

You were at home in bed. I asked if I should leave you alone, you said "meh." I left you alone. The next thing you said to me? You were screaming at me for not working more than five days this week.

Little brother's graduation night. You screamed at me until I left because you were hungry and bored, even though you had your truck, a skateboard, cash and fast food within view of your room. You also could have ordered pizza, or let me do it for you when I begged you to let me. You refused because it's better for me to be sad. Then when I was bringing you food? "Wendy's Baconator. If it's cold, you're gonna get knocked out." That same night you texted me, "I want to murder you. You know this, right?" You then screamed at me for "doing what the fuck I wanted", which is apparently attending my little brother's high school graduation which you knew about for a month. I knew you'd kill it. The same way i know you'll kill me.

Let's go to my inbox. This is since Friday. It's Monday now.

"I'm trying. Fuck shut up."
"Fuck you, I'm done. I'm gonna have a good night."
"So you work three days. Awesome." (Um, how do you get THAT from "i work every day this week except today and friday"?)

I can't take much more. I really and truly can't. My heart aches every day and I'm in tears, afraid of you every day. I steal lie and hurt my family so you won't hurt me.
Please someone notice.

you were never a good idea.
and you sit there and you feed me these twisted delusions of love, pretending like you know so much better and can teach me all these lessons about how to be, and yet your contrived lessons of false love leave me broken and sobbing on the bathroom floor staining the bottom of the tub red.

i hope you like the results of your lesson.

i used to think it was fucked.
"Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels." - Kate Moss

She's not wrong.

it's all coming back to me
I feel like the biggest failure in the world. I miss you whenever I'm away. The beautiful cost of it- whiting out over my whole past, my history, whoever I was. 

Please just love me, even though I'm scared. I'm trying my goddamn hardest, I swear it to you.

i hear you're looking for love tonight....

Call me a safe bet, I'm betting I'm not one. I'm going to go on a tear and by the end of it you will remember why you don't do the heartbreaking around here. There is nothing better than spending a night high on memories of better times, falling fast and hard in love and getting all fucked up and not knowing where you've been or what's inside you. 
It's a matter of time. 
It's a matter of time before someone's heart drops, someone's wrists are slashed. 
It's a matter of time before the heavy hitting flatline and the hollywood sized rails. 
It's a matter of time before you will remember that I used to love someone else. And his name won't soon leave your mind.

you screwed yourself, kiss kiss bitch.
Set the scene. I'm eighteen and on the far edge of heartache. You're twenty and don't really want to be here tonight. But then our paths cross at the keg- liquor is such an integral facet of young love.
But my God. You were breathtaking, and I find myself unwilling to drag my eyes from your green ones. Even though you're drunk, and I'm drunk, and my kind-of boyfriend is here, and your friends are ready to go, you stayed. In fact, you stayed for twenty four hours.
And it took two and a half years for me to finally loosen my grip.

I tried to make a list. A list to make me hate you. There was every single bad thing you ever did to me from skipping my 19th birthday to breaking up with me two days before Christmas, to cheating on me, to getting so drunk and badmouthing me every chance you got.
And guess what. I don't hate you. Nothing could make me hate you.

I only wish, wish SO fucking hard, that you had loved me just the tiniest bit more than you loved bartending.

But here I am and I can't seem to see straight
But I'm too numb to feel right now
And here I am watching the clock that's ticking away my time
I'm too numb to feel right now
But just tonight I won't leave.
And I will lie, and you will believe.
Just tonight, I will see, it's all because of me.

Just tonight I will stay
And we’ll throw it all away
When the light hits your eyes
It’s telling me I’m right

And if I, I am through
It’s all because of you
Just tonight

People. Always. Change.

He may not have been lying when he told you he loved you. Last year.
She genuinely meant that she would stay with you forever- when she said it, five months ago.
If there's anything you can keep as a constant, it's the consistency in being left or leaving behind.

Don't just sit there and wait for them to call. Go after them. Because that's what you do if you love someone. Don't wait for them to give you a sign because it might never come. Go scream you love them and want to be with them because that is beautiful and that is generous and that is what loving someone is, that is raw and that is unguarded, and that is all that is worth anything, really.


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