Day one of exercise/weight loss/healthy eating tomorrow. Maybe if I focus on myself I'll feel better faster.
I don't know what to think and I don't know what to say. When I used to think of you with another girl- kissing her, dancing with her, looking at her the way you look at me- it was so painful it crushed me [baby I'm all ears]. And now I just feel numb, but is it because everything is cocaine-novocaine (is there any reason why they both end in -caine? Probably)-so drunk you can't breathe-scalding hot shower numb? Is it because I really don't love you anymore? It doesn't seem possible. My normal is loving you.
But maybe it's just one of those things. How does it end that way? "Then one day, after years of being breathlessly in love, she just didn't love him anymore, and it ended."
It doesn't seem right.
"And lastly there's Dade, his hair dances in the wind and he's wondering what love is and why it has to end. And he can't understand how everyone goes on breathing when true love ends. His mother whispers quietly, 'heaven's not a place that you go when you die, it's that moment in life when you actually feel alive, so live for the moment and take this advice, live by every word, love is just a hoax so forget everything that you have ever heard."
Why am I crying so hard now? I wish I knew.
"How does it feel to know you're everything I need, the butterflies in my stomach they could bring me to my knees. How does it feel to know you're everything I want?" I would die to inspire that kind of love.
The thing is, I don't think that I can be the girl you need. I don't think that I'm going to make you happy in the end. But I do love you, even though it isn't the way you want me to love you. And for that I promise that I will stay until you don't want me.
"I'm racking my brain trying to comprehend how for some unknown reason our status will remain as friends. I'm destroying my mind, trying to understand how with little to no effort you've got me eating out of the palms of your hands. There was not a single spark when my lips landed on yours in the dark, but regardless of what happens next you're my beloved, you just don't know it yet. Tonight I make a secret oath. We're murdering our lives trying to make it work. You and I both know that we are a lost cause, we're nothing more than specks on this earth. There was not a single spark when my lips landed on yours in the dark. But regardless of what happens next you're my beloved, you just don't know it yet."
I don't know how to make tribute to what is surely to be lost.
But it can't really, because I'm never going to be this young and stupid ever again. I'm never going to see the merit of taking two weeks off of work and playing because never again will I hold this moment this close to me.
It's one of those drive-off-the-highway nights. The clock blinks 3:26 and you'd think that I'd be in bed since I'm alone.
These are times that can't be weathered and we have never been back there since.
Ah well. It's easier to pretend.