I LOVE YOU BUT ONLY IN HOUR INCREMENTS.

Crashing Time Can't Hide A Guilty Girl.

What a loss to spend that much time with someone...
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...Only to find out he's a stranger. 


"She says it's quicker to count the things that aren't wrong with you than the ones that are. There's a seven disc CD changer in her car, and I'm in every slot. And you're not."

FROM YESTERDAY.
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I just miss you.
This is not how it's supposed to end.

This I told her.
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When I introduced you to her, I really thought that I was doing a good thing. I thought I was helping you to be happy. I didn't imagine that you would do exactly what you did the last three girlfriends- I truly believed so much that you were a better person, that you would change, that you had grown up.
I never thought that my best friend would betray me -again- and hurt me exactly the same.

I championed you. I defended you. I told people that you were just lost and that you needed help getting found and that's what real friends do, they find you when you're lost. I guess I forgot about that one white hot haze of a summer when my heart was broken, when everyone turned their backs on me and you messaged me and all you could say was "You're doing drugs. You're sad. You're not the same person. I don't want you in my life anymore." And you walked out at the one moment I needed your support more than anything else.

Six months later we were laying on your bed fucked out of our minds on ketamine that you gave me and we laughed. It still hurt that you walked away from me when I needed you the absolute most, when everyone who said they loved me walked away, but I loved you in that way you can only love a brother, a best friend. And I forgave you. I forgave you for missing my birthday three years in a row, even though every year you promised that this year would be different. I turned nineteen, then twenty, then twenty one, and each and every time you had somewhere better to be, someone better to spend time with even though you said I was your best friend.

I laid awake worrying about you. I answered my phone at five in the morning when you called me crying so hard you couldn't breathe. I sat awake even though I had to work and I talked to you. Talked you away from the tears and the sadness and tried to be there for you.

And yet. I'll never forget calling you and I was crying so hard- my heart was broken. And you blew me off. "You guys break up a lot, you'll be back together."
Yeah well, we dated for two and a half years and broke up four times including the final break up. You broke up four times in as many months and I still listened every time. I was your friend whenever you needed me.

And now, to you, I'm a bitch because I'm done. Because you're an emotional vampire and I can't handle giving and giving and getting slapped in the face with it.

You're not my friend anymore. And I don't think you ever were.

I hope you find what you're looking for because I can't help you if you don't want to be helped.

"At first I was angry that you had fallen in love with someone else.....
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....but you seem so happy now. I didn't even know you were sad."


Well that's that- single life screams from the fun side of living at me to come join and so I did, jumping in HARD with both feet. But what's making a change if you make a ripple not a fucking tidal wave?

Besides, I am so caught up in this that I can't breathe and it feels like the first time in months that I was this careless, because who would notice or care that is old enough to make a difference?

These nights spent listening to people scream their hearts out on repeat and twitching to the sounds of vibrating cell phones, strong desires and illogical wants and needs. Ten songs on repeat. Ten pretty lies on repeat for you to believe in. Ten more days? No, more like six, this time around.

"Our hearts are too big for this town."
Epic. Rip it up.

I want a boy who's so drunk he doesn't talk.
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Nights when things quickly go from great to bad, shifting slightly from a touch, feel, sight. Thinking of boys I thought I loved and boys that deserved so much more than being nothing but a distraction. Sometimes I think that everyone only gets to have one perfect soulmate and then I wake up in the middle of the night shaking and panicked because I have nightmares that mine came and went and I didn't know to fight for him.
Other nights I cry myself to sleep worried. So worried, because I'm not cut out for that life. I won't be happy. There is the owning a beachfront bar dream, but it's built on a shaky, wine-soaked foundation of lies. And that's a back up plan anyways.
And what if that doesn't work? Who do I run to? Slabs of wet pavement are breaking off under my feet as I make my way to whatever unstable stop I'm escaping to next, and the familiar and welcoming aroma is twisting into nausea in my stomach. This uncertainty used to be what I lived for and now it pours my vodka soaked soul into the shakers and strains it over the shards of a broken heart, that should never have been ruined in the first place.

the end.
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I miss the days when I was happy.

Just let me sing you to sleep.
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I wish I were inspirational, or pretty, or thin, or fucking something. Instead, I can't even make my own boyfriend want to spend time with me unless it's at the bar.

You broke my heart. You promised me the moon and stars, I fell for your dreams, I fell for your lies, there was no other way. You know I tried. And I knew you could never love me. I had so much sorrow inside, you could never reach. But can I still keep a place in your heart?

I have been realizing this for months. What's wrong with me? Why can't I just let go?

This song is breaking my heart right now.
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I used to know you like the back of my hand, until today you held your place
Now you're shifting like the sand
Your chest would heave with pride if I were spoken of
Till tonight I never knew the difference between comfort and love

Although you're sleeping right next to me
Well it feels like you are wide awake in a distant dream
Leading a life that is finally free of these endless nights and countless fights that
Turn us into who we hate to be


And this is so difficult for the both of us,
I know we tried so hard there's just no hope for us
Well it's more than a shame that we lost to this game
All my
Walking
Talking
Sleeping
Breathing,

Nothing will ever be the same.

I used to hold like it's all that I had,
Now begins the falling of, we are like a passing fad
Your mouth would crack a smile if I were spoken of, 
Till tonight you never thought you'd lose this epic battle with love.

For what it's worth, I always admired you
I always thought that we could make it through
Now look what time can do
They took our masterpiece we built and broke it in two
I always believed in you
I always loved.....


This is so difficult for the both of us
I know we tried so hard, there's just no hope for us
Well it's more than a shame that we lost to this game
All my walking, talking, sleeping, breathing
Nothing will ever be the same.

-Bound To Happen, The Spill Canvas

The Spill Canvas is the soundtrack to broken hearts.
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Day one of exercise/weight loss/healthy eating tomorrow. Maybe if I focus on myself I'll feel better faster.

 

I don't know what to think and I don't know what to say. When I used to think of you with another girl- kissing her, dancing with her, looking at her the way you look at me- it was so painful it crushed me [baby I'm all ears]. And now I just feel numb, but is it because everything is cocaine-novocaine (is there any reason why they both end in -caine? Probably)-so drunk you can't breathe-scalding hot shower numb? Is it because I really don't love you anymore? It doesn't seem possible. My normal is loving you.
But maybe it's just one of those things. How does it end that way? "Then one day, after years of being breathlessly in love, she just didn't love him anymore, and it ended."

It doesn't seem right.

"And lastly there's Dade, his hair dances in the wind and he's wondering what love is and why it has to end. And he can't understand how everyone goes on breathing when true love ends. His mother whispers quietly, 'heaven's not a place that you go when you die, it's that moment in life when you actually feel alive, so live for the moment and take this  advice, live by every word, love is just a hoax so forget everything that you have ever heard."

Why am I crying so hard now? I wish I knew. 

"How does it feel to know you're everything I need, the butterflies in my stomach they could bring me to my knees. How does it feel to know you're everything I want?"  I would die to inspire that kind of love.

The thing is, I don't think that I can be the girl you need. I don't think that I'm going to make you happy in the end. But I do love you, even though it isn't the way you want me to love you. And for that I promise that I will stay until you don't want me.

"I'm racking my brain trying to comprehend how for some unknown reason our status will remain as friends. I'm destroying my mind, trying to understand how with little to no effort you've got me eating out of the palms of your hands. There was not a single spark when my lips landed on yours in the dark, but regardless of what happens next you're my beloved, you just don't know it yet. Tonight I make a secret oath. We're murdering our lives trying to make it work. You and I both know that we are a lost cause, we're nothing more than specks on this earth. There was not a single spark when my lips landed on yours in the dark. But regardless of what happens next you're my beloved, you just don't know it yet."

I don't know how to make tribute to what is surely to be lost.
 


And Mexico can fucking wait.
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But it can't really, because I'm never going to be this young and stupid ever again. I'm never going to see the merit of taking two weeks off of work and playing because never again will I hold this moment this close to me.

It's one of those drive-off-the-highway nights. The clock blinks 3:26 and you'd think that I'd be in bed since I'm alone.

These are times that can't be weathered and we have never been back there since.

Ah well. It's easier to pretend.


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